A Book. An Ass. A Vision.*

Now it's everywhere.

Last night I had a panic attack. The executive's son at my company bought a copy of the Ass book. I didn't feel good about it. He's 14 or so. I thought he was too young.

"Don't get in trouble," I said.

"I won't," he said. "Sign it."

"Chase the Moon," I wrote. "Be the Sun."

The kid was thrilled. Not me though. I was pretty sure this was the end for me. One look at a book about Ass, and that might be my last day in television.

I guess that's a pretty stupid thought, huh?

Then comes one that supercedes all others. The Ass book isn't good enough. It needs work.

This might very well be true. It's a flawed book, but that was what it was all about. No changes. Who knows?

I think I'm feeling wretchedly strange because all I have read this last week is Charles Bukowski, and now I've watched 3 DVD's about him and, and it's all getting to be a bit much, and I keep asking, "What the fuck am I doing?"

It's a great moment of panic. Am I now the Ass guy? Will it be harder to get a date? Will I have to be a switch hitter?

"Oh, no," a guy at work tells me. "You're fucked on both ends."

I felt better this morning though. The book finally showed up on Borders and Amazon. (It's about time!) I will be dealing with the ftp to get Golden Ashtray images onto the database. Hopefully, it works this time.

"Anything else?" you ask.

I'm writing a book. What else?

I wonder what this one will be about. Maybe, sugar. Either that or gangsters. I like gangsters. I like the way they talk. They got that sideways thing.

"Ehllo," they say. "What's it to you?"

"A fig newton," I say. "With milk."

They bring it over pretty quick. I'm surprised. That was my first sideways talking. Usually, I just talk with my lips parallel. Not this time though. Now it was all sideways.

"Enything else, Boss?" one of them asks.

"Yeah," I say sideways. "I need potassium."

"Pa-what?" Jimmy, the Wrench asks.

"Bananas," I say.



The Wrench runs off. I sit there with my sideways talk. I count the money on the table. This being a gangster is easy. I just had to kill people and take their money, or scare them really bad. That was easy. And now I had Jimmy, the Wrench, getting me some Potassium. This wasn't a bad life.

"No, it isn't," one of my henchman agreed.

"Want a knuckle sandwich?" I asked.

"Nah," he said.

"Well, too late," I said and popped him in the mouth. "You got one."

For those of you who want to be on the credits for Clerks II, simply add the film as your friend on myspace. The first 10,000 friends will be added to the film.

Here is the link.

If you acted too late, there's always a bonus. You can check the credits for Why Do Men Do Stupid Things for Ass?

Have a nice weekend, P.

*Copyright 2006 by Pirooz Kalayeh

I Would Give Him a Comic Book If I Could

Los Angeles is yellow today. Several of my colleagues joke about pollution, nuclear fission, a chemical experiment gone wrong.

I don't think it's that bad. It looks kind of nice actually.

"We're all going to die," Lady M says. "It's just a matter of time."

"That's the truth," I say.


"Just read the first sentence," I hear a man say. "Read it, and if you like it, then we can add it to the list."

I am now alone. It is yesterday. Thunder keeps sounding. There is no rain. It is still Los Angeles. The sky is almost yellow. It is only a matter of time.

"You have to read a full page in the middle," the father continues. "That way you get a real sense of the author's style."

"Okay," the boy says.

"Are you reading the full page?"

"Yes, I'm reading it."

"What do you think?"

"I don't like it."

"It's Vonnegut."

"You told me to read the full page. I don't like it."

"Well, we'll check some more books on the internet when we get home."

The father reaches for the pile on the table. He picks one towards the middle. He hands the book to his son.

"This is John Gardner," he smiles. "He wrote Grendel."

"What's it about?"

"A monster."

"A monster?"

"Yeah, read the first page."

"Oh, I like it," the boy says.

"Yeah, the author died young. He was only 30."

"30?" I ask. "John Gardner was only 30? You got that wrong. He was older than 30."

"He was?"

"30 is too young to die."

"I think it was 30."

"Oh," the father consults Grendel. "You're right. 45."

"Ah, see," I say. "A ripe old age."

"45?" the father asks. "A ripe old age?"

"It's better than 30."

"How'd he die?" a woman asks.

"Motorcycle accident," the father smacks his lips. "That's good."

"Good?" the woman asks.

"At least it was that."


Links, Poetry Thursday, Slipshod Record, Ringtones


Why Do Men Do Stupid Things for Ass? now has its own myspace page. Be its friend.

John Posatko is making podcasts.

The Bob Saget Video - It's good for the first 20 seconds. Then it just gets a bit awkward. At least in the office when other human beings walk by.

Superman Ring Tones - I downloaded ringtones this morning. Now I have the Superman "Love" theme pumping out of the cell. It might do wonders for me in grocery stores. At least that's what Lady M told me.

"You need to go to Trader Joe's in West Hollywood," Lady M says. "You'll be a hit."

I tried it at the pizza shop. No one knew what it was.

That's why I'm creating my own custom ringtones from here on out.

I will make some ringtones for the new record (Orange Lamborghini) and post links to them and a couple songs to build Slipshod hype. I don't think that will be hard. Songs are so good it's ridiculous.
Here is a tentative list:

1. Orange Lamborghini
2. Bob Marley [demo]
3. Brokeback Iraq [final]
4. U Drive, Me Shift
5. Coyote
6. Bootylicious [demo]
7. Hollywood Boulevard [demo]
8. Baghdad Hysteria
9. Raising the Dead [final]
10. JP's Sneakers
11. All of My Love [rough]

The record was originally set to drop on July 11. My birthday. Panauh wants to move it to August. We'll see. No official date. We'll just play it by ear.

I didn't do Poetry Thursday last week, so let me hit it. Okay. Lets see. 2 poems. When I say go.


doesn't know he's beautiful

in a chair

wraps wires

the camera
he dropped

like me
from fire

our eyes

in accident

Okay. So I was interrupted on that one. Might as well start poem 2.

She told me we would go dancing
so I half believe her when she tells me
to slip her my number when I'm about to say

Head in my Ass
I walk up to the office
sad like the smell of pachouli.


I hope everyone is having fun in life. I am out like a tin can on a railroad track.


Film Premiere, Terrification, Music and Book Update

So I am going to hit the premiere of Bystander tonight. It will be fascinating to see myself on the big screen. At least the director keeps saying this to me.

"You're coming to the premiere, right?"

"Uh," I say.

"You have to," he hammers. "You'll get to see yourself on the big screen."

"I don't know," I say. "I might be terrified."

"Oh, come on!"

Well, I'll keep an open mind. I think it'll be fun to go to Formosa Cafe afterwards. I like to have fun with people. I am sure there will be all sorts. I like all sorts.

In other news, the album is moving along fast. Masters are done of Orange Lambhorghini. We've got an animator rocking some segments for the video. And I will be talking to Justin Peach who has signed on to direct the project.

"I just want the animated car in the beginning," I say. "Then I want a little ball to bounce along with the lyrics."

"That's no problem," he says.

"Cool," I say. "Then the rest is up to you."

I wonder what he'll come up with. Who knows? I do know that I am excited to put out a DVD with this record. It makes it extra yummy.

As far as the comic book, that will be in finalization stage this weekend.

I still don't know where it's going, and I have no idea what I think of it. It's like a wave. I can't really judge. Especially with the process. This time I have gone with 'anything goes.' No corrections. Just go.

It's been fascinating to work like this. It feels like music. It also makes it unexpected. Anything else?

I like you.

Bye, P.


Poetry Thursday: 10 Minutes

(A poem about boys who like boys, girls who like girls, boys who like girls, girls who like boys, people who like people, and the War in Iraq)



magic flour
Mayan power

Harry Potter

fighting back
all alone

monkey made finger paint
holy heather no it ain’t

back to school
raising cash
fighting everyone the past

melted cup
a holy grail
soldier love
behind the veil
what you need
a little kiss
give you Sega
make a wish

Disney World
and Mickey Mouse
welcome to suburbia
turn in hysteria
turn up hysteria
turn out hysteria

mosque there in Middleton
no one thought he’d ever win
bundled up in little space
tiny house, mental space
warehouse hysteria
welcome to suburbia
white fence tulip bed
Abraham overhead
Letters written lo his thigh,
‘here I is, here I lie’
up and down crazy coast
love the most
east coast west coast

there be a monument
raised by a president
circle in circle out
mental waste, tiny space
feeling doubt
little un’s
dropping dead
like a fly
cheerio on my eye
looking out
like a fly
looking like a fly
teenage suburbia
Baghdad hysteria
Sega playing on the bed
Missiles flying overhead
what you want
what you need
how you love
how you bleed
how you fall when your dead
how you fall when your dead
how you fall when your dead

Controversial Title, Commercials, and an Old Car

Well, the car broke down again today. It might be the end of the Honda. I don't really want to say goodbye, but I might have to. 3 breakdowns, 2 tows, and a lot of patience on my part doesn't equate to a healthy driving experience.

Does this mean I will get a new car? Maybe. I don't know.

I will probably have to get one by the end of summer.

In other news, Bradford and Sheldon were patient enough to film promos today for Shikow and the new comic, "Why Do Men Do Stupid Things for Ass?"

I saw some segments and laughed the entire way. They even cast me in a bit part for the second commercial. That made me laugh too. I look like a Miami Vice football player, giving advice to young thangs. So funny. Again, I say, So funny.

I will put these up tomorrow to intrigue interest for the coming releases.

Speaking of which, there is some serious controversy over the title of the new book. It splits fifty-fifty, and with no particular gender or sexual orientation - just right down the middle.

"I can't support something with ass in the title," a colleague tells me.


"Yeah, I don't know, man."

I asked the marketing director of the firm upstairs what he thought, and he said, "Look man if someone can make millions selling Beanie Babies off the internet, than you really shouldn't have a problem with your title. The key is finding 5 percent of the population that you cater to, and market it to them. And I'm not into tailgating or football or anything, but I think they would think your book is right up their alley."

Now that really cracked me up. I am so opposite of the football player mentality it's funny. But I can't seem to let go of the title. It could be, "Why Do WE Do Stupid Things for Ass?" But is that as funny? Does that grab me where it counts?

Not really.

What I find most interesting is that women have been the biggest fans and proponents of the comic. Why is that I wonder? I have no idea. It seems like I might be revealing some unspoken secret or something. Or maybe there's the thought that I will expose the soft underbelly of something that needs to remain hidden?

I don't really believe that. That might be the consensus though. I have no idea. What I do know is that the book is quite beautiful, and I am very excited to bring it out to all of you.

Just a couple days more and we will have some excerpts.

Maybe, a functioning car will coincide with that possibility.

Who knows?

See you on the flip,


PS. I smell like cars and gasoline.


Why Do Men Do Stupid Things for Ass? , a comic about dating in Hollywood, will be released on June 19th with Barnes & Noble, Books A Million, and Amazon. If there is anyone who would like a pre-copy for reviews, please let me know and I will send one to you.


Orange Lamborghini, the new record from The Slipshod Swingers will be released on July 11th. If anyone would like to review the album for your sites or zines, let me know and I will get you a copy.


Pirooz Kalayeh
1807 Taft Avenue, Apt 1
Los Angeles, CA 90028
cell: 310-279-8994
e:mail: piroozkalayeh@gmail.com

Summer Night

It's officially summer in L.A.

Probably the hottest day yet.

I am sitting alone with a bunch of fans.

It's a good life.

This being alive thing.

Especially in Hollywood.

Her dreams are my dreams.

We're good like that.